Two selves

I wish I could put the two distinct ways I show up online into a blender and serve them like a perfectly balanced smoothie. The content creator and the writer, made up of pleasing aesthetics and meaningful thoughts, bright notes and dark hues. Maybe it’s difficult because one self has never existed online until now.

Years ago, I wrote all night into the early hours of the morning. Then, ten people dissected what I wrote aloud around a large wooden table. After my thesis was submitted, I tucked it away into a box where it still remains. My photo dumps, videos, and captions (that are never more than a paragraph long) are on display for the world. So two very different versions of me have existed in each place. A raw, vulnerable, unafraid self and a polished, carefully chosen self.

I get it. I get why I operated this way. With my workshop classmates, who saw my inner most world, there was a trust and a comfort. They were each sharing their inner worlds too, and there was a kindness in the air that came with speaking to a human in person. With the internet, there is no telling what will be said. Genuine, sweet compliments intertwine with cruel comments that I don’t think the people writing them would ever have the guts to say aloud.

Of course I have always been more protective of my content creator self. As I’ve brought the writer online though, I’ve managed to be more open in the way my writing always has been. Maybe because Substack feels like a softer place. Maybe because I don’t know how else to be in my writing.

Before I started writing again, I had a deep desire to show up more authentically in the digital space. Creating a Substack has felt so liberating, scary, and exciting. But I can’t help but notice how my writing skews toward my past, lessons learned, serious things. And how my Instagram and TikTok skew light hearted, uplifting, present. I value and am both parts. It is just strange how separate they feel.

I don’t think there is one formula for who I am or how I show up, even in my day to day real life. I know I need to be more gentle and less judgmental of myself. Still, I hope that maybe one day the two online selves can meet, and, even if for a brief moment, merge.